- May 24th, 2012
I think life was actually breathed into me 11 years ago. It was when this girl, met a boi. Yes, I said boi. She was so perfectly imperfect and turned my world completely upside down. I was coming out then, I had been with a man yet told him that I thought I was Gay. He told me that I was just Bisexual, that it happens and that he understood. Like so many other stories I have heard before from others... I knew something was different.
I had previously met a girl, and kissed her. Nothing else happened other then just a kiss, and I knew from that moment.. not because of who it was but I knew I would never be with a man again. This was true.
So, the boi.....I found myself after this kiss, wanting to find the right person to be with.. that person that I had never met... but where was she? I had went to gay bars and clubs, I had met people... but no one that I wanted...no one that had that thing.. that thing that made everything in me collapse, flutter, inhale...until....I went to a website.. and I made a profile, with a very corny photo of myself that said in the caption " A cheezey grin just for you". I hadn't been on there long and a private message popped up from "pierced chik".. Instantly, I was hooked!!
At that time in my life, my friend and I was going to a Avril Lavigne concert, and almost every song she sang I kept thinking about this girl online, I couldn't spend much time away from my pc... I was completely mesmerized by everything she was. She was very butch, looked very much boi-ish, and I loved it. Her eyes, her smile...the ways she made me feel, without even meeting.. no one ever made me feel like this in "real" life...So I had to see her..
I from Ohio, her from Tennessee I took off in my Mustang in the middle of a snow storm...took me hours to get there...but it was worth it. I remember checking into the hotel, taking a shower, ironing my hair, put my makeup on, my perfume, and of course my glitter.. Oh how I used to love glitter on my chest, neck, face...I remember hearing a knock on the door ..my heart sank...I couldn't breathe.. I looked through the peep hole and there she stood.
I opened the door, she was so nervous, just as nervous as I was. I remember her just looking at me, like I didn't exist. She couldnt take her eyes off me, and I couldn't blink in fear of her vanishing. I sat on the bed, she leaned against the wall.. then to her knees..I laid across the bed, just talking to her, trying not to be nervous.. giggling.. and just talking.. I remember her just gazing at me.. she was so quiet.. She had made me a CD. We put it in and as we were listening, we laid down in the bed.. and I melted into her. I remember a Sade song came on and every word on that cd, I felt that she was saying to me. This perfect creature, my soul...laying next to me.
We didn't leave the room, it was days. Until we finally looked at one another and was like, are you hungry?? lol. We have lived off one another for the past few days. I NEVER experienced anything like that before. We went to a steakhouse, where she continued to stare at me. I wish I could tell you all the emotions that seeped out of me and how no one could ever be her. No one could ever take these moments, they were ours..
I remember we went back to the hotel, and we kept making love..I told her " I AM YOURS" .. breathy...I never said anything like that to anyone, and never did again... until many years later...I mumbled it to her again.. but I will not get ahead of myself....
Our love affair, was flawed. She was stuck.. and I was so much in love with her...I went back to Ohio...and she came up to see me, and I came to see her...Years...would come..months we would see one another.. then years would go...because of this and thats.. not being on the same page.. her mothers illness...her ex's...her ex's kid...her mental illness...and all of this, I loved her through... every lie, every truth, I believed in her...because I gave myself to her...In a way, she "imprinted" on me (for all you twilight fans)..Nothing was the same in my life without her in it..
We would go for months without talking.. I knew this always meant that there was someone else... Id fill my life with meaningless things, people, distractions.. and her still inside my head every minute - missing her... knowing it wasn't fair to anyone else for me to be so broken, and nothing I could do to erase her.
I learned early on there was something not right...I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew it was mental illness of some sort that kept causing her to leave, she looked so blank at times as if she wasn't there at all.. I for years, looked for answers in books, shrinks, many therapy visits to just discuss her, my feelings revolving around her, my life being in her hands. i knew it wasn't healthy to put this much love into something, but my thoughts did not go away. She wasn't the one with all the problems, I had very much anxiety about not having control over her love, why did she always have to go?
I wouldn't know the answer to any of this for 11 years. Everyday for 11 years I questioned why I wasn't good enough for the person who I had felt such a life changing affection for.
I saw her last in 2007. I chased her with my car after dropping her off after spending a week with me. I followed her, flashed my lights she pulled over on the side of the road.. and I went to her window, saying I felt like we would never see one another again.. and how my heart pounded and my tears just flowed out uncontrollably. she said I would see her again.. but I dont know if she knew it or not, but it wasnt until June 2011. 4 years.
Everyday for 4 years I wondered about her, I checked my email religiously thinking there would be a message. One day in 2010 I had a complete breakdown, I had told a friend that "she is dead" I just knew it.. I couldn't feel her anymore.. and her and I always had this odd thing about feeling each other, talking to each other every night even though we couldn't hear one another...and i told my friend I have to find her... Here to find out she was in an automobile accident, at the same time I couldn't feel her anymore... it all was so odd.
In November 2010 I went to my facebook, and there was a message from her. My heart sank. I just stared at it, not clicking on it. I didnt know if I wanted to read what it said. Yet, there it was.. she had found me...I guess she had been looking, I did change my number and I had moved...She didnt say much at first I think she was feeling things out.. she was in a complicated relationship, and I was in a relationship too, very much complicated as I never loved anyone but her.
We messaged on and off, I was determined not to lose her again, but just sat back.. hoping everyday that she would ask to see me. Finally I just asked if she could meet me half way.. and she said yes.. I ended up driving all the way there.. and only saw her for a very short time, I got a hotel room in hopes of seeing her again the next day, and I did for a very short time.. but in that time..I knew my heart just wasn't going to be the same without her, and she felt exactly the same way for me.. but... she was still in a relationship...and I ended up going home, traveling so slow all the way in case she would say please come back.. yet she didnt..
We texted for days...then she finally ended her relationship...I told her, why dont you come and spend the summer with me.. that way she didnt feel like she had to stay.. and it was open ended...So....I went to watch fireworks with my mom on July3rd, when I arrived home she was in my driveway. She looked at me, and said that she was home, and that she wasn't going anywhere.
Could this be true???
The next night we went to fireworks at the floodwall...she told me she wanted to be with me... and there we were.... I was so happy.. but still yet very confused... all the past of me loving and loving and her walking away...all my past emotions of her not being there then now shes here.. is this reality?
Then one day, she proposed to me... and I said in response " wanna go skydiving?" I was so nervous and there was a billboard, and thats what it said.. so I said it outloud.. and she said pull over I need a cigarette. hahaha. She asked me again and I said YES!!
We got married on November 11, 2011...since we have been married, she has never left me.. and infact all the feelings that I felt all those years, she did too... she told me that she always thought I was too good for her, because I treated her better then anyone ever had. Strange, for so long we had been apart both of us not wanting to be, both of us surrounding ourselves with people who only brought us down, cheated on us....all the bad things we had to go through.. yet brought us here...
I would give my life for this boi.. this person...she..he..her..him..transgendered, amazing, person. When I gave myself to her, It was over for me.. no one else had a chance...I was never able to get past the person that I knew I was meant to be with. This is only part of our story. Part of the pieces. Just a snip-it of us.
I am so happy, no one really knows how this is, to finally feel whole. To have been completed. I graduated nursing school, become a professional photographer, an aunt, yet never felt complete. sHe, placed that ring on my finger...gave me something no one else ever had from her. Made me her wife. Gave her name to me.
Now, I feel complete. I am completely madly and forever hers. I wish this kind of happiness and love to all. For everyone should feel this kind of existing.