hurtful heart

I just wish I could look the other way when you talk shit.


Hodge podge

I have been off drugs now for awhile, but with clarity comes confusion and doubts. I doubt myself and am confused about DID. My wife who is transgendered, has multiple personalities. I truly want to write a book to encourage those who have relationships with individuals with DID, but right now I need encouragement. I believe my wife, as I have seen them flash in and out but it's not been as frequent as it was, things have been quiet. when we were both on pills and weed things were more active, but we moved and stopped using and it's made a difference. It has changed her. We also haven't been having sex, I've been losing weight and the stress has been awful. Overall I miss her, and how we were when we were using. I miss her different personalities. I miss how we used to talk more and how I thought I could tell her anything.  Now it's hard to be as open and uninhibited. I don't know why everything has changed....

the sleeper

Yes I did
I took them
The sleepers
I have good reason
I need to feel
and only to dream
Is,where you are
between the screaming blur
I'll feel you again
To twist,you out
Just for a moment
There,we,will be.


Dear Jim,
I've been missing you to the point that I've started to imagine that you were never there. I'm not sure how to communicate with you. We no longer have our little romps, and joking times that break up the times from good to bad. Jaime said one day you held,my hand but I didn't realize it was you. You don't know how much I've,needed you at times ....and I wonder what your doing ..what your thinking.. Do you actually think of me or am I only moments. I'm crying right now but your all used to know when I was,up. You used to comfort me..I don't want to give up on you, but next time could you give me a sign.. shortly after I said I loved you, you were gone. I'm sorry if I ruined us. I got so confused,but I haven't had,a conversation with you since before the move.. Did you come too? I somewhat wish you were physically real, a morph, so I could see, I know what it's like,to miss wish them into existence...the next star I see,will be for you. Xo

The Fight Between Them and I.
In the cutting board of life
I find myself slicing to the core
against my skin and arguments
that slowly gather at lips corners
I know Im not alone but those
who understand don't know me
Bitter words I taste with tongues tip
as they splatter all across me
Loving me then beating me
not physically but mentally
I wonder deep inside myself
whats caused you all this misery
only if I could take it far away
lush forest - bury it completely
with all the love that I could muster from my innards
would it grow as sweetly
instead of spreading thorns to others
suffocating trees -like horrific night terrors
while Im rubbing up against your back 
just trying for attentions- wishing all the times you threw at me
those tiny words just stinging
you would turn to me and simply 
be that person that I've seen
so many times in front of me
not drowning but just living
simply wanting all the time with me 
not wanting to sleep to be away -
it makes me want to harm myself,
it makes me want to drown
yet your the only key that saves me
but i know that I would choke,
it would be to late for safety
due to stubbornness like always
so i give in to the fear
calmly lay beside you
as i go to sleep i wonder 
what will tomorrow bring us 
will my wife be there, or the monster -
who hates me from his jealousy 
not knowing that I love it all, the person that I'm missing
I will breathe here in the silence
the silence of the wanting 
just to know that all i have are just
memories until the next one
she doesnt know I shake inside,
but he does - thats what feeds him
the multiple personalities of his virtue,
the spinney prodding of his polarity 
I live somewhere inside that space - between her and him. 
Im the survivor that faithfully loves
He, She, Him, Her and Them.

Bitter - sweet so the saying goes.
Somethings are better left in the past, however sometimes that is a very hard thing to carry out. 
I don't really know how I should feel about certain things sometimes like for instance....
My wife, does tattoos...and has done them on her ex's...but tonight she reminded me that one of them 
has her initials on her.  I had forgotten and I think sometimes I block things out that I really don't want to know. 
Partially because it streams in a bunch of things that just really cause me to sort of panic inside. 

I don't think panicking is necessary but, non the less it happens. Mostly unexpected.

It makes me think of how I know there would be no other person in this world that I would want but her 
if a name was chosen to be put on me. It's so funny how people choose initials though, because you could 
easily say it meant something else, but when you actually put a whole name on you, bam. 

So maybe I should be thankful that it is only initials. However who knows someone could actually have her name on 
them, and what really upsets me most is the fact that I once laid under her gun...and how it made me feel, i wonder if it made
them feel the same way... I wonder how my wife felt as she tattoo her or them with her initials and or name. I wonder if it even means
the same as when and what I feel when she does something on me. 

Can't help but be semi crushed, but the past is that.. the past.. and I move on.. it just makes my mind spin a little. 

Bits N Pieces of Me -- A snip-it of Us.
I think life was actually breathed into me 11 years ago.  It was when this girl, met a boi.  Yes, I said boi.  She was so perfectly imperfect and turned my world completely upside down.  I was coming out then, I had been with a man yet told him that I thought I was Gay. He told me that I was just Bisexual, that it happens and that he understood. Like so many other stories I have heard before from others... I knew something was different. 

I had previously met a girl, and kissed her. Nothing else happened other then just a kiss, and I knew from that moment.. not because of who it was but I knew I would never be with a man again. This was true. 

So, the boi.....I found myself after this kiss, wanting to find the right person to be with.. that person that I had never met... but where was she?  I had went to gay bars and clubs, I had met people... but no one that I one that had that thing.. that thing that made everything in me collapse, flutter, inhale...until....I went to a website.. and I made a profile, with a very corny photo of myself that said in the caption " A cheezey grin just for you".  I hadn't been on there long and a private message popped up from "pierced chik".. Instantly, I was hooked!! 

At that time in my life, my friend and I was going to a Avril Lavigne concert, and almost every song she sang I kept thinking about this girl online, I couldn't spend much time away from my pc... I was completely mesmerized by everything she was.  She was very butch, looked very much boi-ish, and I loved it. Her eyes, her smile...the ways she made me feel, without even meeting.. no one ever made me feel like this in "real" life...So I had to see her..

I from Ohio, her from Tennessee I took off in my Mustang in the middle of a snow storm...took me hours to get there...but it was worth it. I remember checking into the hotel, taking a shower, ironing my hair, put my makeup on, my perfume, and of course my glitter.. Oh how I used to love glitter on my chest, neck, face...I remember hearing a knock on the door heart sank...I couldn't breathe.. I looked through the peep hole and there she stood.  

I opened the door, she was so nervous, just as nervous as I was.  I remember her just looking at me, like I didn't exist. She couldnt take her eyes off me, and I couldn't blink in fear of her vanishing. I sat on the bed, she leaned against the wall.. then to her knees..I laid across the bed, just talking to her, trying not to be nervous.. giggling.. and just talking.. I remember her just gazing at me.. she was so quiet.. She had made me a CD. We put it in and as we were listening, we laid down in the bed.. and I melted into her. I remember a Sade song came on and every word on that cd, I felt that she was saying to me. This perfect creature, my soul...laying next to me. 

We didn't leave the room, it was days. Until we finally looked at one another and was like, are you hungry?? lol.  We have lived off one another for the past few days. I NEVER experienced anything like that before. We went to a steakhouse, where she continued to stare at me. I wish I could tell you all the emotions that seeped out of me and how no one could ever be her. No one could ever take these moments, they were ours..

I remember we went back to the hotel, and we kept making love..I told her " I AM YOURS" .. breathy...I never said anything like that to anyone, and never did again... until many years later...I mumbled it to her again.. but I will not get ahead of myself....

Our love affair, was flawed. She was stuck.. and I was so much in love with her...I went back to Ohio...and she came up to see me, and I came to see her...Years...would come..months we would see one another.. then years would go...because of this and thats.. not being on the same page.. her mothers illness...her ex's...her ex's kid...her mental illness...and all of this, I loved her through... every lie, every truth, I believed in her...because I gave myself to her...In a way, she "imprinted" on me (for all you twilight fans)..Nothing was the same in my life without her in it.. 

We would go for months without talking.. I knew this always meant that there was someone else... Id fill my life with meaningless things, people, distractions.. and her still inside my head every minute - missing her... knowing it wasn't fair to anyone else for me to be so broken, and nothing I could do to erase her. 

I learned early on there was something not right...I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew it was mental illness of some sort that kept causing her to leave, she looked so blank at times as if she wasn't there at all.. I for years, looked for answers in books, shrinks, many therapy visits to just discuss her, my feelings revolving around her, my life being in her hands. i knew it wasn't healthy to put this much love into something, but my thoughts did not go away. She wasn't the one with all the problems, I had very much anxiety about not having control over her love, why did she always have to go? 

I wouldn't know the answer to any of this for 11 years. Everyday for 11 years I questioned why I wasn't good enough for the person who I had felt such a life changing affection for. 

I saw her last in 2007. I chased her with my car after dropping her off after spending a week with me. I followed her, flashed my lights she pulled over on the side of the road.. and I went to her window, saying I felt like we would never see one another again.. and how my heart pounded and my tears just flowed out uncontrollably.  she said I would see her again.. but I dont know if she knew it or not, but it wasnt until June 2011.  4 years. 

Everyday for 4 years I wondered about her, I checked my email religiously thinking there would be a message. One day in 2010 I had a complete breakdown, I had told a friend that "she is dead" I just knew it.. I couldn't feel her anymore.. and her and I always had this odd thing about feeling each other, talking to each other every night even though we couldn't hear one another...and i told my friend I have to find her... Here to find out she was in an automobile accident, at the same time I couldn't feel her anymore... it all was so odd. 

In November 2010 I went to my facebook, and there was a message from her. My heart sank. I just stared at it, not clicking on it. I didnt know if I wanted to read what it said. Yet, there it was.. she had found me...I guess she had been looking, I did change my number and I had moved...She didnt say much at first I think she was feeling things out.. she was in a complicated relationship, and I was in a relationship too, very much complicated as I never loved anyone but her. 

We messaged on and off, I was determined not to lose her again, but just sat back.. hoping everyday that she would ask to see me. Finally I just asked if she could meet me half way.. and she said yes.. I ended up driving all the way there.. and only saw her for a very short time, I got a hotel room in hopes of seeing her again the next day, and I did for a very short time.. but in that time..I knew my heart just wasn't going to be the same without her, and she felt exactly the same way for me.. but... she was still in a relationship...and I ended up going home, traveling so slow all the way in case she would say please come back.. yet she didnt.. 

We texted for days...then she finally ended her relationship...I told her, why dont you come and spend the summer with me.. that way she didnt feel like she had to stay.. and it was open ended...So....I went to watch fireworks with my mom on July3rd, when I arrived home she was in my driveway.  She looked at me, and said that she was home, and that she wasn't going anywhere. 

Could this be true??? 

The next night we went to fireworks at the floodwall...she told me she wanted to be with me... and there we were.... I was so happy.. but still yet very confused... all the past of me loving and loving and her walking away...all my past emotions of her not being there then now shes here.. is this reality?  

Then one day, she proposed to me... and I said in response " wanna go skydiving?"  I was so nervous and there was a billboard, and thats what it said.. so I said it outloud.. and she said pull over I need a cigarette. hahaha. She asked me again and I said YES!! 

We got married on November 11, 2011...since we have been married, she has never left me.. and infact all the feelings that I felt all those years, she did too... she told me that she always thought I was too good for her, because I treated her better then anyone ever had. Strange, for so long we had been apart both of us not wanting to be, both of us surrounding ourselves with people who only brought us down, cheated on us....all the bad things we had to go through.. yet brought us here... 

I would give my life for this boi.. this person...she..he..her..him..transgendered, amazing, person. When I gave myself to her, It was over for me.. no one else had a chance...I was never able to get past the person that I knew I was meant to be with. This is only part of our story. Part of the pieces. Just a snip-it of us.

I am so happy, no one really knows how this is, to finally feel whole. To have been completed.  I graduated nursing school, become a professional photographer, an aunt, yet never felt complete. sHe, placed that ring on my finger...gave me something no one else ever had from her. Made me her wife. Gave her name to me. 

Now, I feel complete. I am completely madly and forever hers. I wish this kind of happiness and love to all. For everyone should feel this kind of existing.

[dih-skrim-uh-ney-shuhn] it is a noun.
Everyone at one time or another faces discrimination in their lives.  To those that have to endure it daily, it is true torture. Explaining it to those who do not have to go through it, well it's a constant story to tell and one that they do not understand.  

This isn't something that happens to only those who are too skinny, too fat, ugly, black, disabled, gay it happens to those who have any type of difference. Can we not be one people? One community? One nation?  Why do we have to define the people in it with labels as if we are cans of soup in the cabinet. 

If you are healthy, white, have money, are in the right click, kiss the right peoples ass, then you are in the majority. 

What blows my mind, is that it's ok in some states to discriminate against people of difference. Why is this a state level issue?  Why can employers discriminate "at will", because that is what at will employment is.  It's saying that it is ok to fire someone just because we want to, so there!  

I have had issues with employment for the last 2 years at a place that will remain nameless. I got called into my supervisors office just because " you haven't been smiling".  Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to smile 24/7 while I was working, this isn't Mcdonalds.  Then I started smiling all the time. I got called into the office. "Your acting strange, not like yourself". Really?  I was so tired of playing the games of people, I was doing my job and everything the right way, I wasn't slacking, or doing things that I wasn't supposed to. So finally I said. " This isn't High school musical, if you want a choir, hire one. I'm a nurse let me do my job" and I walked out. 

I always smile to my patients, I always do everything by the book.  I always had an above average evaluation, however with new management comes new personal beliefs, attitudes, and clearly discrimination. I never said those words out loud, I didn't ever want to be the person to pull the "gay" card, as I had seen others do. I wanted to believe that I was just like everyone else. I wanted to live my life as if I were everyone else. Truth, I am not. 

I'm ok with being different, I have embraced it.  I always thought that I wouldn't let my sexuality define me, I always thought it was a character trait not a defining mark that everyone would judge me by. Society can be truly cruel to those with difference. They don't realize that we get sick, cry, hurt, love, have joy, survive, just as they do. 

Recently I resigned from my employment. I had enough of the constant bullying at work, I had called corporate HR and filed a complaint, they didn't get back to me and so I felt I had no other option. If I wanted to be myself, if I wanted to survive a horrible work environment, then I had to make my own decision to leave. I know that not every employer is this way, I have worked for fortune 500 companies in my past, I knew things could and would be better, but leaving a job in this economy was a huge leap of faith on my end. 

Everyday for the last two years has been a struggle, except November 11, 2011. That day was a day of complete bliss. I married my partner, the person who I have loved dearly for nearly 11 years. On that day, everything was clear. I deserved happiness.  I will leave that story for another day. 

However, I believe I do deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves this. Some may say that I didn't try hard enough to stand up for myself, but I did. Everyday I went into a place that hated me, they looked at my job performance under a microscope and when they couldn't find anything they would make up things.  Sometimes Enough is Enough. 

Reality is, we make our own destinies. Those who stand in the way of us making our happiness, purely need deleted from our lives. 

Employer deleted. 

Reality Is A Prison
Reality Is A Prison.  I saw this on a poster today, and realized it's depth and truth. To each of us our realities are important but as a whole, a society it means very little. Lately I have dealt with many realities, and since being who I am doesn't matter to many, my words probably don't either. I have realized that reality has smacked me in the face. I have learned in the past few months that my friends don't truly exist, they are just people with their own realities, which I am not included. I have come to terms with telling the truth at work, means very little -- in fact telling the truth at all is pretty pointless. My reality means little to anyone around me, and coming to terms with that has been very trying.  

I once thought of myself as accomplished, in a sense that I have a good job, good hobbies, lots of friends, an amazing love, family, pets. Things that society says are important to have. Yet only a few of these things actually exist. Many have heard the term...when reality smacks you in the face...well, reality beat my face to a bloody pulp. 

I want to be completely true to myself and to those around me, regardless of if they know it is me or not. Perhaps my whole reasoning in opening this journal was to find some sense of reality within this prison that I am currently enveloped in. Writing reality down, seeing it spread out in front of me, perhaps maybe that will mean something to me - maybe it will shed some light on something that I do not see through all the muck for my true reality at this point in time, is very grim. 

Is reality lost?  Can it be regained?  Or in fact is it just a prison to each we are bound?


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